what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
