you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
