Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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