forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
