dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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