I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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