We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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