I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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