im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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