Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
