garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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