They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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