2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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