FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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