some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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