The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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