Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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