I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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