Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
