I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
