Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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