I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
