I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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