I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
