jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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