I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
