my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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