I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
