As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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