either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
