we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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