take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Boobs are out for the taking
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
