she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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