Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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