I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
