I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
