Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize