I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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