remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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