No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
this will be a night to untag.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
