Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
