I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
