We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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