Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
