I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
