ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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