i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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