god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
