the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
