I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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