I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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