my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
