shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
