Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I love having hate sex.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize