Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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