Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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