The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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