cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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