im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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