dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
