I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
